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Life of a girl

Oct. 27th, 2009 10:11 pm

I'm not really sure what's going on. I used to be one of those people who was thoroughly independent. In many ways I still am. I still tend to draw away from people under stress and I like to be able to function on my own. I like to be able to rely on myself. The part that has changed, though.... whereas I used to be fine spending my typical-day-to-day time on my own, now I just always want to be with Jordan.

It's weird. I have loved him for a while now. I'm not saying that what I felt earlier wasn't genuine, but somehow, in the past 2 or 3 weeks I feel like things have intensified. I miss him ALL THE TIME. Right now I want nothing more than to skip writing the introduction to my thesis in favor of lying around in bed with him. At one point I felt a little odd because I thought that he had reached this point in the relationship before I had. In some ways I wasn't sure if it was possible for me to reach the point where I can't stop thinking about someone.

I think this all changed for me when Jordan started talking about how he could imagine us being old and married together. He has told me that he plans on holding onto me as long as he possibly can and that he would love to be with me in the long-run. He essentially implied that he thinks I'm 'the one' and that if it were up to him we'll get married some day.

Not that I didn't feel this way, but I'm not sure I quite got there as fast as he did. I had no intention of breaking up with him any time soon and, in fact, could see myself with him years down the road. I guess I wasn't as worried about the end product and was seeing where things went... but I knew that if things kept going this way eventually I would want to marry him.

The first time I started thinking that Jordan may be my future husband was the night Jordan told me that I'm "the woman for him." The way he said it made it feel... so final. Like he didn't want to look for anyone else. That night I dreamed that he proposed to me and I said 'yes'. Ever since then, we've gone a little more in depth with talking about where we see us ending up. We were both hopeful that we'd be with each other as long as possible.

Yesterday we started discussing a trip we are hoping to take a year and a half from now the spring after we are both done with college. We did this entirely naturally, as though there were no reason at all to consider the possibility that we wouldn't still be together.

I think all these hints we've been making about what we want made us closer.... but it's also possible that I'm wrong about what set off me feeling closer to him. Maybe it was when he took me to his home town for the first time. That experience did have a strong effect on me, so it's possible that it started a chain reaction that lead to my current state of hating being away from him.

I used to make fun of the people who couldn't stand to be away from their significant other. Now I feel like I'm one of them. I'm almost miserable right now. That's how much I love him. I can't see him tonight, though, because I've got a lot of work I need to do. I'll get too distracted if I go see him. I wouldn't get a thing done.

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Oct. 22nd, 2009 05:17 pm Sometimes life is a fairy tale

I'm not really sure why I'm writing here when I've got a real life journal I can write in. I guess I'm probably here because my arm feels like it may fall off by the time I get everything out.

By the way, I'd like to say that reading my journal entries on this from 3 years ago makes me cringe. My writing style... the way I was a bit on the braggy side... I think I was trying to prove myself intellectually since my social life was practically non-existent. This journal was some sort of cry for attention.

The most surprising thing I could ever write here: I'm thoroughly happy. I wish I could tell myself in 2005 to hold on a little, and that in the end I would be happy. More than that, I'm finally confident in myself, I've got a great group of friends--all of whom I love--and as of four and a half months ago I got my first ever real boyfriend... at age 21.

The first year of my college life involved dating boy after boy. That was when I started realizing that people like attention and receiving it. I realized that if you give them favorable attention they tend to like you and your company. More than that, I found that if I let people get to know me that they really liked me... and I realized that if I was into a guy I could usually get him to ask me out.

Past the initial ask-out, though, I was pretty much screwed. I had mastered casual social situations and flirtations, but intimacy scared me. I also think I realized that the guy wasn't right for me a little too late. After a date/hang-out I would decide that I didn't like him as much as I thought I did, and then I felt bad for taking things this far and acting as interested as I did. I think that I was so in love with the idea of being in love that I would just pick out a guy that had a nice smile or was smart without considering the whole package. I picked out what I thought I should like rather than what was right for me.

My sophomore year was primarily (from a boyfriend-hunting perspective) spent chasing one guy. I was crazy about him. I think he did like me too, but while he was an outgoing guy with his friends he was kind of shy when it came to girls... or maybe he simply did not want a girlfriend just at that time. We did hang out a fair amount, and he really was a nice guy, but he definitely wasn't the one for me.

My junior year went back to jumping from guy to guy. I started dating my partner from the ballroom dance team I joined with one of my current roommates. He was 27. Yikes. At the end of the day I wasn't attracted to him. Like I said earlier, I probably just wanted to like him, because let's face it, what's sexier than falling in love with someone over a sensual dance like the rumba?

Things started changing second semester of my junior year. I started seeing this guy, Matt, but he was painfully shy. I was sympathetic towards him (obviously) and I tried dating him several times to see if, once he loosened up, we would have more chemistry. It's just that he was this really nice, talented guy and as a friend I did like him. I wanted to give him a shot. I gave him two, actually.

Meanwhile, I met a guy in a criminal justice class of mine. He sat next to me one day near the beginning of the semester. This guy Jordan, has really sweet eyes. I knew nearly immediately that he was a sweet guy because at the end of class that day he asked me "Would you by any chance like a ride home?" He asked tentatively, but the fact that he had the courage to ask caught me off-guard. Obviously he was showing some interest in me. Every day we had that class for the rest of the semester (when neither of us missed class, of course) we sat together and would talk. For the first few months of this, I was trying out dating Matt and then this guy, Alex, who turned out to be colossally melodramatic. That was very short-lived.

I remember on Valentine's day Matt asked me out, and I had been excited because it was the first time I had a date for Valentine's day. Ever. He gave me a rose, which even though I don't like him anymore I kept because it was the first flower a guy had ever given me just because he wanted to. The one time I did prom with a guy didn't count because that was a corsage, a prom requirement, and there was no chemistry between the two of us in the slightest. Jordan asked me if I did anything for Valentine's day. I remember I told him about Matt, but that it hadn't gone too too well. It had actually been kind of boring. The whole time I tried to date Matt, he never touched me. Not even to help me up when I would fall when we went roller skating!

I gave up on Matt (and Alex) and I remember Jordan asked me to join him and some friends at this one bar for wings. Honestly, I was terrified. I said no and gave some excuse. I honestly couldn't tell you if it was a legitimate excuse or not. I can't remember. I checked his Facebook and from the looks of things he was a pretty popular, sociable guy. That scared me, because I was starting to feel some attraction towards him. I'd always been attracted to him, but I was trying to give some other guy an honest shot previously. It looked like he could have just about any girl he wanted. Plus, I kept noticing him send texts to this one girl during class. That intimidated me. I thought he was socially out of my league. I was/am kind of sensitive to that sort of thing as someone who used to have social phobia.

We eventually figured out that he went to the same high school as one of my best friend's (a roommate) boyfriend, Mike. They are both from this teeny tiny town here in Indiana. It kind of felt perfect, knowing this. Jordan and I could talk about Mike, Mike and I could talk about Jordan. Mike told me this one story about how one day when they were wrestling for school Jordan gave Mike a bad mat burn down his nose. That was the first story Mike ever told me about Jordan. To this day, Jordan still says "Out of all the stories over ten years of friendship he could have told you, he HAD to tell you about the mat burn?!"

At the very beginning of April of this year, I think it was on the 6th, was the finals game for March Madness. Jordan is into sports, and so he'd been talking about it for a little while. He invited me to join him and his friends for the game. He knew that I wasn't horribly into sports but offered the invitation anyway when we were walking to our next classes after criminal justice. I told him I'd think about it and we parted ways. I was convinced I'd misheard him. Surely he didn't invite me to his house for a game! I wanted to go, though. It took me a long time to work up the courage to tell him I'd like to join, because I was sure I was wrong or that he hadn't seriously meant it. I remember I felt so uncertain about it that I felt like I was trying to invite myself over. I texted him, though (because I was too afraid to call) and he came to pick me up. He was surprised I had taken him up on his offer. I met his roommates and had a pretty fun time, considering that I was watching sports.

After that, I started joining Jordan and his roommates to the bars occasionally or hanging out with them at their house. Once Jordan came to my apartment. He would always do these little things that made it clear that he liked me. He would lead me in the right direction with his hand on the small of my back or rest his hand on my knee. Maybe he would hook his hand around my upper calf. They were small gestures, but a clear sign of interest... and they drove me CRAZY! This was the contact I had wanted! He did enough to show interest and make my heart skip a beat, but not so much as to be inappropriate or make him come across as moving too fast or being touchy-feely. He would hold doors for me and buy me a drink or two when we went to a bar.

One night after we went to a bar and he walked me home (as was customary--he always wanted to know I got home safe) we almost parted ways and then he suddenly kissed me. Up until that point I had kissed 3 other guys. When I kissed Jordan, it was the first time that it had felt good. It was the first time I didn't feel somewhat repulsed or wronged--like something had been taken from me if that even makes sense. After Jordan left, I found myself wanting to kiss him again. He later told me that he had really wanted to kiss me, but that he had all but lost his courage to try... until I evidently looked back at him in this one way that just made him go for it.

We started going out on more dates... around the end of April. We were exclusive and we cared a lot about each other, but we weren't officially boyfriend-girlfriend just yet. We wanted to take our time, but we both knew it was heading in that direction. On June 2nd we became official. It was the day after I had come home from a trip to the beach with my family and a couple friends. I had been surprised by how much I missed him! He had been, too.

I had told him early on that I wouldn't give my virginity away unless I was in love with the guy, he had tested negative for all STDs, and I knew he either loved me or was almost there. The next day he got tested... but when things got heavy between us after that HE would initiate slowing us down so as to honor my wishes.

On August 19th I finally told him I loved him and gave him my virginity. The next day he told me he loved me.

His mother loves me, my parents love him, everyone loves everyone. Even if our families didn't approve as thoroughly as they do we would still date each other, but it makes it feel so right knowing we have EVERYONE's full-on, enthusiastic support. One of my roommates, Sam, absolutely adores him. She's claimed that he's her favorite friend's boyfriend. I get along great with his roommates. It's all so perfect.

Oh, and the first day he sat next to me in class? He was looking for a cute girl to sit next to. He said he had no trouble picking where to sit. He tells me it was kind of hard hearing me talk about dating other guys, and that it was only a matter of time before he would start trying to 'steal me away.'

In both of our cases, we were surprised by how fast we grew to care so strongly about each other. How could I not feel strongly for him? He's the kind of guy who holds the door open not just for you, but also the elderly couple behind you, or the mother with her three-year old son. After we went to Boston together to see my grandmother at the end of the summer he told me he wanted to make a collage of our pictures and tickets to mail to her. He's considerate, he never pushes me. He was completely understanding about my previous issues with social phobia and was willing to be as patient as necessary for me to be ready for intimacy. He could tell if I was upset before we even started dating, and if he thinks I'm anxious he can calm me down. If one of my friends is upset he'll give her a big bear hug (which are oh-so comfortable). He's funny, sociable, smart. He LIKES to watch the news. He LIKES to watch documentaries about caves, but he also likes to have fun with football. He likes going out into nature to hike or look at the fall colors. He likes to drink socially and go out to have fun. He's cute and hot and simply adorable. He's athletic. He LOVES affection and cuddling. He's everything I could want and more than I'd have expected.

He was the homecoming king. He didn't want to be. He would have rather someone else gotten the title who actually wanted it, but he still was crowned. And he was the captain of the football team.

And I was the shy girl in the marching band.

Irony.

I would have disliked the kind of person who was homecoming king when I was in high school normally... but I don't think I would have disliked Jordan. He's a truly humble guy. If you can be a popular, guy who genuinely doesn't care to be homecoming king and still win it anyway, that speaks volumes about your character.

When he was 16, his girlfriend died in a car wreck. He got a tattoo in memory of her, and at first I was worried that he wouldn't have room for me in his heart or that he'd still be beaten up over it. I mean, let's face it, if a celebrity dies in his or her peak then they are completely immortalized in their best state. Yet... Jordan has come to terms with it. I've found no sign that he isn't in a healthy place. I've found that even though it may affect him in some ways it doesn't mean it will affect how he feels about me. He has proven that to me countless times. He sincerely appreciates how understanding and supportive I am about it all. I think he loves me even more for it. He tells me it makes him feel like we can work anything out.

Honestly, I really do feel for him in regards to his girlfriend. That has to be hard. I can't imagine how it'd feel to lose Jordan like that. He says he used to be depressed from it, but he seems completely psychologically sound now. That doesn't mean that it doesn't still have some present-day manifestations. That's just something you always carry around with you.

Honestly, I'm completely head-over heals, crazy in love with him. I know he feels the same way. He makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful girl in the room--partially because he always tells me so, and partially because I feel so lucky to have him.

We've been dating for 6 months, but as an official couple for 4 and a half. I feel completely swept up by this, though. He's told me that I'm "the woman for him." That started making me think that he could see himself marrying me someday in the future. A week or so later he told me that he could see us being together in the future, old and married. He told me he didn't want me to freak out, but that if things kept going like this he wouldn't ever want to let me go. Hearing that... it was like all my old fears of living alone and unloved melted away. I love him so much and to hear of the possibility of him being my husband someday... it blows my mind.

And to think I used to think I was immune to love.

I actually had a dream in which he proposed to me. BEFORE he told me that he could see himself marrying me someday. We both know, though, that we don't want to marry anyone for a few more years. I want to be done with school. 22 is too young to marry. At the EARLIEST I'd marry at 25.

Wow, I'm actually talking about marrying Jordan.

He's always afraid, though, of the fact that I've never had another boyfriend before. He's afraid I'll want to experience something else since I didn't spend much time with any one boy before him. I can understand that, but I've got no intentions of that whatsoever. I much prefer this security I seem to have with a guy who is everything I want and more. I've never been one to look to see what's out there when I've already got what's perfect. Besides, I may not have gotten serious with anyone or had sex with anyone else, but I HAVE dated other people. I've gotten to experience other guys long enough to know they weren't right for me. Jordan is the one guy I kept wanting to see. Even that one guy sophomore year... if I saw enough of him, I would grow tired of him. I mainly wanted him when I couldn't have him.

Despite this fear of Jordan's, he isn't overprotective of me. We each have a healthy outlook on things. We don't get jealous. We trust each other. Why wouldn't we when we know we are crazy about each other? We can stand to be apart if the other person is busy or if they want to hang out with their roommates for a night, but we are always glad to see each other. I miss him all the time but I can deal with it. We can each be independent.

How the hell did I get a guy who's funny, fun, smart, hot, athletic, caring, sweet, a fan of cuddling, a great kisser, and sociable?

If my 17 year old self could read this, I would think someone was playing a cruel prank on me. This is so far from who I used to be or what I used to be capable of. I would have never thought I could be so happy in a relationship with such a good guy.

Current Mood: lovedloved

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Dec. 23rd, 2006 02:57 am wow...

Wow... I really haven't written here in a looooong time. I've written bits of journals here and there, but I'm not good with sticking to one place.

Things that have changed:

-I've had an almost-boyfriend, but that didn't last long as he wasn't my type and I wasn't comfortable with him... at all. In fact I kind of freaked out on a date with him... heh... don't really want to rehash that. It was bad enough the first time through.
-I've had alcohol. A good deal of it, but I'm not a drunkie. I don't have it too much because I'm not sure the taste or the sick feeling is worth it. We'll see if that changes more now that....
-I'm in college... in Indiana of all places. People keep asking me "Why Indiana?" and I don't blame them, since it does sound pretty random. I love the school, though, so I have no regrets.
-Even if I still lived here, my mom wouldn't be fussing over how I dress anymore, because now I like to have fun with clothes and make up.

Things that haven't changed:

-Still haven't found love... w/e... it'll come eventually, and plus I've got a new guy I'm kind of interested in. He asked me on a date for when I get back to school after Winter Break... so in a little more than 2 weeks, I guess.
-My dermatologist keeps bringing up modeling opportunities. I don't think it'll stop anytime soon. (And now my face is clearer, so she's doing it even more)
-I'm still a good student. In fact, I'm in the honors college for Indiana University. It's not a huge deal and it doesn't really give me many advantages other than the fact that I can say that I'm in it. Eh... it'll look good on my resumés.
-I still have social anxiety disorder and I still think I have depression, though I still haven't told my parents about the latter.

Hmm... what else.

Highlights of interesting events:

-I was pretty much sexually assaulted at a concert. Ugh... A fight almost broke out between my friend who was trying to protect me and my assailant. That could have been baaaad. In a weird, demented and disgusting way, I'm almost flattered. Almost.
-My first time flying alone was canceled. I rescheduled for the soonest flight, which was early the next morning since all the planes were booked due to other similar cancelations. On literally 15 min of sleep, I kind of panicked in the airport. Haha, I got some interesting attention from people while I lugged my luggage around utnil my parents decided to drive up to drive me home instead.
-As mentioned somewhere above, I had a major freakout on a date, and he was completely oblivious to it. You can tell that he was oh so smart. (note the sarcasm)
-I managed a high B in my Biological Mechanisms class even though I never read the material the day they were assigned... my grade is due to cramming and my previous knowledge that I somehow managed to apply and reason out... this is a miracle in its true form.
-I can now write 8 page essays, thanks to my composition course last semester. I didn't think it was possible for me to do... and I didn't expect that once I expanded it long enough that I'd manage an A. Haha, that's so much better than I did in high school. I think I finally figured out how to write essays, which is a major event to me.

Yeah, I know that as I progressed through that last list I was probably starting to bore anyone who actually was reading this. Heh. Why are you still reading this? I guess SOMEONE finds lists sexy. It's okay, it'll be our secret.

What the hell did I just write??

Oh, one more fun thing. Three of my friend's guy friends were really really majorly harassing me the other day. When they found out I was a virgin they started asking me all these super private questions and wouldn't leave me alone when I refused to answer. Ugh... and then one of them had the audacity to Facebook me and send me a message and MAJORLY hitting on me. Yeah right!! If you think that putting me on the spot like that and trying to force me to dance like a stripper is going to make me interested in you... get a fucking life.

I seriously think that if either them or I were drunk there could have been rape involved... that's how out of control things were getting. I really wish I were kidding. At one point, one of them was holding onto my arm while I tried to get away and he pulled me right into him, no problem whatsoever. And the things that they said...

Oh yeah... they want me to go to their New Year's party.

Hmm.... let me think about it. Surrounded by alcohol and drunkeness in a large house with many rooms and locks where the music is so loud that you can't hear if something is wrong... Oh, sorry, I think I'm going to be busy with cool guys who actually respect girls a little more than they do.

I seriously think that those three'd rape a girl without second thought given the chance.

Why am I still here....

Night.

Mel

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Sep. 26th, 2005 09:42 am ignore this

Grendel: Correcting a Misconception
When John Gardner’s Grendel was first published in paperback, the cover displayed Grendel as he is about to kill a thane, but a later edition portrays Grendel alone in a field and yelling towards the sky. Of the two available versions of the cover the latter better represents this novel.
Grendel appears to have been originally published under the misconception that Grendel was nothing more than a monster. Having been often referred to as “that ghastly grim one” (Beowulf poet, 24: 102), one can understand how such and idea had come about. Having read an epic that has an entire section devoted to describing the evils of Grendel could have easily given the publishers the wrong idea. The novel, however, shows that Grendel has suffered, and that perhaps the Dane’s treatment of Grendel created the creature that they feared. The newer cover, which wasn’t made under misconception, prevents readers from making the same judgement.
The original cover of Grendel suggests that Grendel foul monster, while the newer version portrays Grendel more accurately. The covers of books often foreshadow the story within, so the ideas displayed on them should reflect the novel. The original cover suggests that there is nothing behind Grendel’s cruel nature—that he is nothing other than the monster he is made out to be. This transfers the reader’s pity to the Dane’s under attack, leading them to believe that the story is more focused on the point of view of these men than on Grendel. The novel, however, doesn’t revolve around a troubled town, but Grendel, who is shown to be more than the beast he is made out to be. The second cover successfully captures Grendel’s struggles. The fact that he is displayed alone in the field suggests that he lives a lonely existence, and that he is therefore misunderstood. This version nulls the misconception created in Beowulf that Grendel is nothing other than a beast, which the novel itself corrects. Because the second version of the cover of Grendel shows the deeper version of the creature as is portrayed in the novel, it creates more accurate ideas of Grendel’s character.
The newer cover of Grendel was created because the cover of novels can also foreshadow the mood and ideas developed. The novel is a work of existentialism, as one can tell when observing it. Grendel lives an isolated life, only living with his mother. Not only that, but on several occasions, he claims, “I exist, nothing else” (Gardner, 28). These are two key characteristics in the existentialism movement. For this reason, the original cover does not fit the novel—it creates the idea that the novel contains a lot of action. The second cover, however, shows the darker nature of the novel, hinting at existentialism due to Grendel’s portrayal alone in a vast field.

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Aug. 16th, 2005 12:27 am depression?

I have started beliving, more than before, that I have depression. I talked about it to some people, and grandted that they are people suffering from depression rather than doctors, they all seem to think i'm depressed too. At least I have an explanation for this hopeless feeling that weighs me down.

Once again, I'm writing here because I'm putting off homework....

I feel so miserable right now... and not even for any good reason. I just feel empty. I need something to fill my life, but i don't know what. I think the paxil might be involved. I wonder if i should talk to my psychologist... okay, i should... but I don't know if i can get up the courage to talk to him... damn social anxiety.

I feel like I've lost interest in so much. I don't even want to try to gain interest--I just want to mope around and feel sorry for myself... oh, and daydream. I do that a lot. I daydream of a different life where I'm happy. What I'd do to get away from it all.

I'm not suicidal by the way.

I think about it, but I wouldn't want to deal with the consequences. I don't want to kill myself. I just wish there was a way to make myself feel better. I don't feel like I have much to live for, despite my good grades and friends. I want something to live for, though.

Man, this is depressing.

Current Mood: boreduncomfortable bored

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Aug. 15th, 2005 12:35 am

I havent updated this in a while... probably because I've lacked motivation lately. I don't know what to do about it, and i feel too lazy to try hard to fix it. I've just been hoping that it'll get better on its own, like magic, but I know that probably won't happen.

I think my life must be like a movie. Seeing that I don't give the addy of this jornla to my friends or anything, and I just use this to rant, I hope any person that stumbles upon this excuses anything that may seem either blunt or show-offy. I just need to get this out of my system. Anyway, here is why I feel like I must be the main character of some sick movie:

I am told that I am really pretty... in fact, my dermatologist said that I'm prettier than all the models she used to do make up for. My friends tell me so often, and have talked about it behind my back. I've heard of a few guys calling me "really hot," etc.

I am a virgin in almost every way possible. I am too innocent for my own good. Ive never had a boyfriend, never kissed, never held hands with a guy (except for some fourth grade show... that doesn't count), never tasted a single drop of alcohol nor tried any drug... yeah... its pathetic.

I am too shy socially and stay away from big social events. This is because I have Social Anxiety Disorder and I think I may have depression, but I am too afraid to talk to my physcologist about it, because I have social anxiety disorder... its funyn in a sick, twisted way. I hate feeling exposed and letting peopel know how I feel.

I do really well in school, though my grades aren't as well as they used to be because of the lack of motivation that I think is a result of my could-be depression. I know this unmotivated self is not the real me.

My parents treat me like some dress up doll. If I let my mom pick out my clothes for school (believe me, she tries), I'd be one of those high-fashion people... which doesnt fit my style and personally, its not the reputation I want. I'd rather be seen as a cool, smart girl than a girl who is so concerned about fashion. Sometimes my parents try really hard, adn I give in. Others, they bug me about it until I'm out the door.

I feel so alone all the time. I just feel like crying a lot, though the tears don't come. I want a shoulder to cry on, though I don't want to feel like I have to talk about it.

I feel as though I am unhappy and my life is a mess, but, as cheesy as it may sound, I feel that once I find love I may be able to put it together. In fact, I have a feeling that a guy in my life would feel the gaping emptyness I feel in my life.

In most movies, this is where the guy comes in and makes everything better, and helps the girl become stronger, helps her get her life together, and is a shoulder to cry on.

SO WHERE IS THIS GUY WHEN I REALLY NEED HIM?

I feel that, once I find love, my life will have been perfect chick-flick material. All I can do now is wait....

Current Mood: restlessrestless

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Apr. 24th, 2005 03:01 am blah

I had one of those movie-like bad days yesterday. It was the day of this thing where a bunch of high school bands from my school and a nearby school play. Its a pretty big socail event, and I was pretty excited about it. I went, and I found it to be quite horrible. They had to move it inside into the gym because it was supposed to rain. My friends arrived, but I had some sort of problem with my social anxiety, and I had trouble saying much, and I found myself feeling like an idiot. Over time, I grew more and more anxious... and it sucked. I even left the gym so I could pace around in the bathroom for a few moments alone... Eventually, I found myself shaking, and similar things. I told my friends I had to go, and one of my friends (who knows the most about me) immediately understood and walked me to the door. Some guy she's friends with kept telling me that it was absolutely pouring out there, and all I could say was that I really didn't care and that I just needed to get out of there. Here is the especially movie-like part: I walked outside, and was immediately soaked. There was lightning that lit the sky. I took of my flip flops so I wouldnt fall, and found myself doing hte thing where you bring your hands up to your head and cry. I had forgotten that there was a window right there... and this guy I know was seeing this (i was by a street lamp). I froze for a se second, and then ran off. By the time I got to my car, I was 100% drenched.

Yeah, it sucks.

Tonight was the prom... of course I didn't go. After last year, I decided that there was no way in hell that I'd go unless it was someone that I was at least good friends with.

dude, im talking to this guy i met online... and im shaking... this isnt good... holy shit...
byes

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Apr. 19th, 2005 02:39 am daydreaming

I often think that I live in dreams. Seriously, whenever I'm not studying, the things I do seem to involve daydreaming. I guess that's to be expected, thought, with someone like me. I mean, how can someone with Social Anxiety Disorder be completely satisfied with their social life? It's almost impossible. As someone who is 17 yet has never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, and never been kissed, I think that I am entitled to some daydreaming. I just wish I didn't have to resort to imagination to keep myself sane. I'd rather experience the real thing. Imagination is in no way satisfying... in fact it might be a little bit of the opposite. Its kind of like a drug. It temporarily satisfies, but then once you stop, you feel off, maybe even unhappy, until you daydream again. Thus, you keep coming back. It really is addictive--sometimes, I can't seem to get enough.

I actually managed to be social away from the computer yesterday. I went to a friend's house to work on a take-home test for my AP Chem class. (Yes, we were allowed to work together) There were two other people there, one a guy, and it was a lot of fun. Afterwards, we went to see Coach Clark... was that what it was called... I can't remember for sure. Whatever it was that we saw, it ended at about midnight, so that was it for the day, but I was pretty pleased with myself. I generally am after I do something social outside of school. Sure it involved school, but it wasn't just for school, and more than half of the time we didn't even workon the test.

Prom is coming up--I wish I were going. I could go if I wanted, but its not like I have anyone to go with. Even if I went as friends with someone... I dont know... it'd just be weird. I'll need to get some friends together for a anti-prom party. It might be fun. I know someone who isn't going because her boyfriend begged her not to make him go... aw...

I realized yesterday that one of my close friends actually has a boyfriend... she just doesnt talk about it. I wish she had. We used to talk about everything. I mean, we would stay online until 2AM talking. Since when don't we tell eachother these things? I told her every thing about SAD and whatnot. But the thing I realized is a bit sad/pathetic: I am 1 of 3 in my group of friends (including my best friends and my close friends... overall a pretty large number of people) who has never been on a date/had a boyfriend/been kissed. 1 of them actually doesn't want love right now... so she's fine with that (though I don't understand it...) while one always hangs with a guy who I'm pretty sure likes her... and I'm pretty sure she likes him back. Its only a matter of time. God, I hate Social Anxiety Disorder sooooo much.

The worse thing is, it makes it hard to talk to guys especially... so it's like I'll never have the chance. I have managed to talk to some guys online... and don't have much trouble with that at the moment. All I know is, there are a lot of guys that hang out with my group of friends who have strong opinions about everythign... which makes it so I am afraid to ever talk to them for fear that they will develop dislike for me or things I like. They seriously do dislike some people because of that. I know its the SAD... but why do I even care? I shouldn't, I'm perfectly aware of that, yet there seems to be nothing I can do about it. I seriously think that I will never be able to talk to one of them unless it is to ask a question about class or something like that. I just keep telling myself that I will get a new start in college... though I can't say that with complete certainty.

My dermatologist reminded me again that she has connections to modeling agents... Again, I am not interested in whether she thinks I should be a model or not. All I want is to get into college, and modeling would get in the way of that, though that isn't my only reason against it. Don't even get me started.

This is what I get for staying up so late over the weekend. I'm still wide awake at 3AM... I'm sure that's good for me... note the sarcasm...

I think I need to go now... maybe I can force myself to sleep... though I already know it is nearly useless to try... I might manage.

bon soir!

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Apr. 17th, 2005 01:42 am

I'm a bit freaked out right now. I've been on medication for a while now, yet I still had an anxiety--i dont know what to call it--episode. It was horrible. I had forgotten how bad they can be. Of course, it was somehow related to the social aspect of my life... my heart started going crazy, I started shaking, I got dizzy, I couldn't breathe normally... it was so bad. I found myself more or less fleeing because I couldn't take it. And of course, all that just drew attention to me--not exactly the best thing. Oh, I thought I was done with these! That's what the medicine is supposed to prevent! I mean, I know that my social anxiety is supposed to still be a little worse than others... but enough for that to happen again? SAD sucks soooo much. It is indirectly because of my SAD that I couldn't go to the Youth Leg. conference this weekend. Oh man, why do I have to have it so bad?

Maybe writing isn't the best thing to do. Somehow, I feel more depressed or somethign than I did before I wrote this.

I wish people were on my RPG more often... I could really use some role playing. I dont know why. Its starting to frustrate me. It seems like people keep telling me they will thread with me, but then it doesn't happen. Sometimes, we do, but a lot of times, they have to get off the computer or we talk and so the other person doesn't write the next post, becuase I always seem to be the last one to have posted. Yeah, I like talking to them, and yeah, I know it isn't their faults becuase they aren't as pathetic as I am to sit at the computer all day, but I wish that when we decide to thread, they would thread. I drive myself so crazy.

getting off before i do more damage.
au revoir

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Apr. 16th, 2005 04:27 pm

I'm going to try to write a bit more... outside of RPG stuff. I was told it might help me. I'm willing to give it a shot.

I started my own RPG. It's going pretty well so far. So far, all the people on the site write pretty well, which is nice because the last RPG that I was a member of had some people who really couldn't write. You'd have no idea that some of them had grown up speaking English, although they had... and it was frustrating.

Feeling bored right now. I know I should be doing something... but I can't really make myself do anythign productive. I'm also feeling a bit empty, if that makes any sense. I've felt like that a lot lately though, so I guess it isn't a huge deal anymore.

I had a really bad headache last night. One of those ones that starts in one spot and then spreads like wildfire through a hemisphere of your head, and it starts throbbing, but it gets worse when you stand up to get medicine. Basically, I was lying in bed for about an hour with that headache, trying to find a position that didn't put too much pressure on my head in vain, and complaining to myself. Not that I'm not doing that here. I got a miniature version of that this morning too. I wonder if that means that something is wrong with me. I half wish that there was. I may only be a junior, but I'm getting senior-itis. Maybe it's because I haven't missed a school day all year yet. Maybe its also because I'm in so many AP classes and I'm burning myself out. At this rate...wish me luck when I go to Governor's school this summer.

I've started knitting a bit. I'm working on a scarf. I had tried to make it a ribbed on with a knit 2 purl 2 pattern, but it got really hard to keep track of which stitches to do. It's a lot harder than you might think. I gave up on that and started again with just the knit stitch, without the purl. It's much easier now, and I've gotten pretty far in the past day or so. I've probably gotten about 2 feet done. I don't know how much longer it will get. I was told that the yarn I got should last long enough to make a full-length scarf. Why am I making one in the summer anyway? At least it'll be done by the time the winter is here.

I wish the Ice Chalet was open again. Why must it close during the spring? It'll open again in like a month, but then I'll be in Governor's school. I really want to skate, though. I was getting pretty close to passing my level. My one-foot spin improved drastically over the last week it was open, as did my half lutz jump. I'm already wondering what I should skate to when I try to pass my level. I skated to Elton John last time. Maybe Guster... I don't really know. There was a song we played in band that would be pretty good for a program. It's kind of funny actually. I already have a program in the works in my head. I want to work in a waltz jump-ballet jump, and if it's allowed, put in a toe loop or a salcow. I might be able to do some sort of lutz-ballet jump combination. I wouldn't be in quite the right position after the lutz, but if I do an inside 3-turn on the foot I land on, I could go into a pretty good ballet jump. I also want to work in a spread eagle. My instructors have always told me that mine is pretty good, and I like doing them too.

I gotta go.
au revoir
Melissa

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